An analysis of MLB mascots

I highly encourage anyone and everyone to look into the history of MLB mascots.  Just about every mascot has at least one embarrassing/amusing anecdote or backstory.

One good place to start is the Wikipedia article on the topic.  The highlight for me, especially as a Reds fan, was the line: "Gapper is sometimes referred to as Groper due to his inability to keep his hands off the female fans."  Whoever added that gem of a sentence is to be commended.

Four teams have no mascots - the Angels, Cubs, Dodgers and Yankees - and as you'll see below, that might be the best decision.

I've grouped the official mascots of MLB into several categories.

BIZARRE, PATHETIC AND WEAKLY ASSOCIATED WITH THE TEAM
(a.k.a. the "Olympic mascots")

DINGER (ROCKIES) - only exists because they found a triceratops skull while constructing Coors

SLIDER (INDIANS) - somehow this monstrosity is one of only three MLB mascots in the Mascot Hall of Fame!

JUNCTION JACK (ASTROS) - supposedly a rabbit railroad engineer, though he doesn't look the part here

LOU SEAL (GIANTS) - bravo for the wordplay

RAYMOND (RAYS) - even his body language is saying a big "WTF???"

SOUTHPAW (WHITE SOX) - the nappy condition of his fur suits this generic, lame excuse for a mascot

SLUGGERRR (ROYALS) - I know all mascots arrre disturrrbing but this picturrre rrreally will give me nightmarrres

WALLY (RED SOX) - much like the Reds' "Gapper" (who thankfully is not the primary mascot), this one is based entirely on a structural feature of the ballpark.

RELATIVELY NORMAL CHARACTERS, WITH POOR EXCUSES FOR EXISTENCE

D. BAXTER THE BOBCAT (DBACKS) - get it?  At least the pun made more sense when it was Bank One Ballpark (BOB).  Now it's really a stretch.

HOMER (BRAVES) - get it?  "Home of the Braves?"  LOLOLOLOLOL

RANGERS CAPTAIN (RANGERS) - OK, I guess I've seen Chuck Norris on a horse

T.C. BEAR (TWINS) - the backstory doesn't even try to sound convincing.  "Loosely modeled" after the mascot of an early sponsor?

ACE (BLUE JAYS) - in 2004, he lost his co-mascot girlfriend "Diamond."  In 2010, he lost his excuse to exist when Roy Halladay went to the Phillies.  Unsurprisingly, it looks like he's trying to play the skin flute in the image below.

MARINER MOOSE (MARINERS) - there's so much wrong with the first paragraph of his Wikipedia page, I might as well just paste it all here.  In 1990, a contest for children 14 and under was held to select a mascot for the team under then-owner Jeff Smulyan. Out of 2500 entries received, the club chose the "Mariner Moose," originally submitted by Ammon Spiller of Ferndale, Washington.^[1] The Moose made his debut on April 13, 1990,^[2] dancing on the field at the Kingdome to "The Future's So Bright I Gotta Wear Shades" by Timbuk 3.

COMPLETELY SENSICAL, BUT LAUGHABLE DESIGN

FREDBIRD (CARDINALS) - looks like a middle school-quality costume

THE ORIOLE BIRD (ORIOLES) - see description of Fredbird

PAWS (TIGERS) - paying $214 million to a fat man is Grrrrrrrrrrreat!  Tony would be proud.

SCREECH (NATIONALS) - patriotic theme makes sense, but the bird itself was the only living thing excited about its birth

BILLY THE MARLIN (MARLINS) - I honestly didn't mind this one that much until the re-branding...the new color scheme somehow makes him ten times more Sandusky

SWINGING FRIAR (PADRES) - speaking of Sandusky, don't let your kids near this guy's frock.

OLD AND OFFENSIVELY NAMED

CHIEF NOC-A-HOMA (BRAVES) - the shoes really complete the authentic ensemble

BJ BIRDY (BLUE JAYS) - with a name like that, it's no surprise he was ejected from a game for offensive gestures toward an umpire

DEFUNCT AND BIZARRE

DANDY (YANKEES) - at my hot dog stand, things like this would have to pay triple

ROOTIN' TOOTIN' RANGER (RANGERS) - the Yosemite Sam who stole Christmas

YOUPPI (EXPOS) - shown here in Canadiens gear.  While I hate that hockey team, at least Youppi survived.

We are left with only six survivors...

THE ELITE


MR. MET - he's been around (continuously) longer than any other mascot on this list

STOMPER (ATHLETICS) - while the name is only 15 years old, the elephant dates back to Connie Mack

PHILLIE PHANATIC (PHILLIES) - the prototype for "WTF?" mascots

PIRATE PARROT (PIRATES) - At age 6, he went on trial for introducing cocaine to Pittsburgh players (not joking) yet somehow the mascot lives on to this day.  Impressive!

BERNIE BREWER (BREWERS) - I support mustaches, I support drunks, and I support the fact that he's based on a real dude who camped out on top of a scoreboard as an attendance gimmick.

MR. REDLEGS - is watching you.  Always.  (scroll to the top of the page if you need reminding)